What to Say When Someone Comes Out as Gay

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Coming out as gay can be one of the most significant events in your friend's life. Chances are good that your friend is experiencing a fair amount of fear and anxiety about coming out, so it's important that you do all that you can to show your support and embrace your friend's honesty. Remember that neither you nor your friend have changed; your friend is just comfortable enough now to be honest about their feelings with you.

1
Be civil regardless of your beliefs. Not everyone shares the same beliefs and it's possible that you may have reservations about gay people. While you have every right to maintain any set of beliefs you wish, don't hold your friend to the standard of your belief system.
- Even if you don't understand, try to appreciate the fear and stress involved in coming out to you.
- Your friend is still your friend, regardless of your feelings about their orientation.
- If you don't believe you can be kind to them, consider telling them so and ending the friendship. The last thing your friend needs right now is a toxic "friend" who hates part of who they are.
2
Thank them for telling you. Coming out of the closet can be one of the most significant events in a person's life. People often fear how their friends and family will respond when they break the news, so let your friend know that you appreciate them trusting you, and that their trust wasn't misplaced.^[1]
- Choosing to come out to you means that your friend trusts you and wants you to share in a significant event in their life.
- Try saying something like, "I know it may not have been easy to come out, and I really appreciate you trusting me enough to share this with me."
- Your initial reaction matters, as it's likely your friend has played this situation out in their mind a number of times already. Thanking them is a simple and easy gesture to let them know that things between you are okay.
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3
Don't ignore the situation. You may not feel as though your friend coming out is particularly big news. Perhaps you felt as though you already knew or you don't see a significant meaning behind one's sexual orientation. Regardless of your feelings, understand the importance of the moment to your friend.
- How significant the event is for you doesn't matter. What's important is how significant it is for your friend.
- Try to appreciate that this moment isn't about your friend's sexual orientation, but rather it's about their feeling strong enough to be honest.
4
Ask questions. Let your friend know that you care and you're interested in learning about their experience and what they're going through. One great way to demonstrate your concern is to ask questions.^[2]
- You may want to ask who else knows or if you should avoid discussing the subject with others.
- Ask about relationships, their experiences or concerns. Keeping the conversation moving will prevent awkward and uncomfortable pauses.
- Try asking questions like, "how old were you when you realized you were gay?" or "when did you realize there was a word for how you felt?"
- Other questions you might want to ask are: "are you in a relationship?" If they are, you may want to ask if you can meet their partner. Demonstrating a willingness to accept your friend's partner can be a good way to show that you are comfortable with the news.
5
Don't pry about details your friend doesn't want to share. It is not uncommon to have a lot of questions for your friend when they come out, but try to respect your friend's privacy. They may not be comfortable discussing more than the information they volunteer.^[3]
- It was likely a big step for your friend to feel comfortable discussing the topic with you, and they may not be comfortable with discussing some aspects of their lives yet.
- Don't push for information your friend doesn't want to share. Allow them to disclose things at their own pace and as they feel ready.
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1
Focus on what your friend needs now. Depending on your friend's situation, they may need different things from you. Try to determine what your friend is going through and base your behavior on what they may need.^[4]
- If your friend is excited to share the news with you, match their excitement and share in the joy of the moment.
- Your friend may be confiding in you, in which case they may value your input, but in a more reserved manner.
- Your friend may be looking to commiserate or share their fears or concerns. If that's the case, they may simply need an understanding ear.
2
Voice your support. Let your friend know that they have your support. Coming out of the closet can be nerve racking, stressful, and even frightening. It's important that you express your support for your friend and let them know that they can rest easily having told you.^[5]
- Even if you aren't comfortable with the news, you can still show your friend that you support them personally.
- Showing your support is about valuing your friendship above all else.
- Try saying things like, "I'm glad you came out to me," or, "it's great that you shared this with me!"
- What's important is that you demonstrate your enthusiasm, but what you say may change based on how you and your friend normally interact.
3
Avoid stereotypes. As you talk to your friend, it's normal to relate the situation to things you're familiar with. A danger in doing so, however, is utilizing stereotypes that you may not realize are hurtful.^[6]
- While the extent of your experience with someone coming out may be from television and movies, to your friend this situation is very real and unique to them.
- Making even positive generalizations robs your friend of their individuality. Instead, focus on them specifically.
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1
Don't tell others for them. Your friend choosing to come out to you does not necessarily mean your friend has chosen to come out in general. Let your friend choose the way in which people find out that they're gay, don't make that decision for them.
- Ask your friend if others already know or if they intend to tell others. Make sure you aren't the first person to break the news to someone else.
- You may be excited for your friend, but remember that it's their journey, and they need to choose how they want to come out.
2
Be careful with your pronouns. Everyone is different, and a part of coming out for your friend may be publicly acknowledging their feelings about their gender as well as their sexuality. If your friend explains that they no longer wish to identify as a particular gender, show them your understanding by using the pronouns that reflect the gender your friend chooses to identify as.
- Using the correct "he" or "she" can be a meaningful gesture when your friend first comes out to you as transgender or otherwise.
- "Ze" is a commonly accepted gender-neutral pronoun that your friend may also feel more comfortable with you using.
3
Trust yourself and your friendship. The way you handle the situation will need to be as unique as your friendship itself. Trust your gut and the way you know your friend to guide your interactions. What is appropriate for some people may be less acceptable for others.
- Don't act out of character or behave differently because of the situation. Your friend trusts you, otherwise they wouldn't be telling you.
- While acknowledging the weight of the situation, remember that the two of you are the same friends you always were. Let your previous experiences with your friend guide your current behavior.
4
Allow things to get back to normal. After your friend comes out to you, things may feel different. Remember that any difference is in your head; your friend is the same person they were before they came out. They are now just able to be honest about a part of their life they previously felt they had to hide.
- Your friend's sexuality doesn't dictate or change who they are.
- You and your friend can move forward knowing that your friendship is as strong or stronger than ever now that they can be open about their feelings.
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Question

How do I help my gay friend come out?

Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Unless your friend has explicitly asked you for help, you shouldn't be helping them do anything. It is your friend's choice to come out. They control when they do it, how they do it, and whom they ask to help them do it. Do not tell anyone about your friend's sexuality or gender identity without their permission.

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Article SummaryX

It can be hard to know how to respond when a friend comes out of the closet, but if you show your support it will go smoothly. Thank them for sharing with you, since it probably wasn't easy! Then, tell them that you support them. You could say something like, "I'm glad you came out to me. I totally support you!" Make sure to ask your friend questions to show you're interested in their experience. You might ask who else knows or how long they've known about their sexuality or gender. It's important to maintain your friend's trust, so don't tell anyone after the fact. While you may be excited, it's your friend's journey and it's their job to choose how they want to come out. For more advice on using new pronouns, read on!

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What to Say When Someone Comes Out as Gay

Source: https://www.wikihow.com/Respond-when-a-Gay-Friend-Comes-Out-of-the-Closet

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What to Say When Someone Comes Out as Gay

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